Weekly Round Up

Been a bit of a bad week when it comes to finding silly stories to rip the piss out of. I suppose the election has something to do with it. Was massively impressed that the first debate got over 10 million viewers. That's fabulous for a political programme and, I am sure, probably the best ever figures for such a debate. I see that cunt Piers Morgan is gloating about Britain's Got talent getting more viewers. Well, that just shows what a facile turd he is. Compare the raw debate of the issues with its 10 million+ viewers with his interviews with the great and the good (Gordon Brown, Jordan, etc) and I think you will see where his cynicism lies. Piers is a dish best served......well not served at all really. But, if we have to endure his smug countenance, let it be sandwiched between a dog juggling a spoon and Amanda Holden trying out her latest Croydon Facelift, or something. I was in Central Park a few years ago and he was there amongst the "celebrities" charging $20 for a horse drawn cab ride in the name of charity - or "getting my name out there", as I suspect it more accurately could be described. I was there for an hour and he didn't get a single offer. Although many people asked who he was, when they found out, they decided to keep their money. Children died that day because of him ....possibly. I enclose a picture of his glum, lard stuffed face for your delectation. feel free to abuse and degrade the image for which I guarantee I own the copyright.

Talking of the debates though I am really looking forward to the one tomorrow. Clegg did incredibly well in the first debate, but expectations were low. It will be good to see how he handles himself in the second one. Because, if he does well this time then I think Britain is in for the biggest political upset since, well I can't even remember. I'm not really a hedging person, but I think the clever money is on him to win outright. With an each way bet on Cameron and Brown disappearing up their own backsides, and a hundred to one shot for a nation of deluded tories voting for Thatcher chucking her hat into the ring - if she can find it.

I see the blame game has started early with the post fly ban analysis. A bit pathetic really. It appears that this cloud was lingering at 20-30 thousand feet. So, why could an accomodation not be made for planes to use military and light aircraft designated airspace at lower levels to fly to at least pick people up? Because the airlines would have had to use more heavily discounted fuel that way. It COULD have been possible. Nobody has asked if the Air Force were still maintaining their AWACS presence over Europe. I bet they were. All seems a bit fishy to me. And that useless Brown just keeps saying "We have two more ships on standby in case they are needed". Well, Duh! They are fucking needed, since people are now more stuck than they were the first time you said you had these ships on standby in case they were needed. You just don't want to pay for the extra fuel now your weird eyebrowed chancellor has put the cost of fuel up. All it would have taken was a bit of wherewithall to make it happen. You pick up the phone, find out which private companies have spare buses lying around, you ship them over to Europe on one of those expensive transport carriers we have all paid for and which never get used, and you arrange strategic pick up points to collect these people and you get them to the ships. Easy, relatively cheap, and a fucking vote winner to rival Thatcher's Falklands. How great would that have been to appear on the debate tomorrow having put that in place? If John Snow's son can collar a pile of glorified rubber dingies and sail over to Calias to collect as many people as he can, surely to God, our Prime Minister could come up with something at least as good. I swear to God, the man is an idiot. Alistair Campbell is clearly in the twilight of his years to have missed that one. If, by some remote chance, Labour Execs are reading this drivel, please be on notice that my fee is a mere £100k per year for this priceless advice. I'll forsake the lovely car, having no driving licence to speak of.

I met up with the friend I have known the longest tonight. I've known him for 22 years - more than half of my life (although not his!). Was a terrific time, but although we had 5 hours to chat, it was nowhere near enough. Friends are important and we should all see ours more, I reckon. We spent the evening drinking and dining (despite the lack of cutlery). I get very annoyed with these new restaurants that think it is ok to charge you extra for those riddiculous fripperies such as vegetables and potatoes that, 20 years ago, you could reasonably expect to have served with your meal. Snobby, money grabbing fuckers. I don't mind paying £18.95p for a seabass. I do fucking mind paying an extra £3.00p for some cold green beans. AND my Seabass was upside down. In my day fish was served flesh up. I don't want to pay £18.95p for a a big plate with a small piece of fish, skin side up, staring up at me, saying "Can you see my bottom?". On pointing this out it was suggested that it is because they feel I would like to remove the skin myself? Perhaps they would like me to go into the kitchen and cook the fucking thing myself as well? If you follow that train of thought to its logical conclusion, perhaps I would enjoy going to the service counter and collecting my own bucket of water with which to flush away my ablutions when I go for a piss? They could even charge me £3 for the bucket. Actually, forget all that, I'll just go to Waitrose, buy the fucking fish, cook it myself and just send them a cheque. They can then stick that cheque up their smug superior bottoms. The wine was nice though. Tempranillio of some distinct vintage.

I'm off work for the next two days and looking forward to having a lovely potter, mowing the lawn, replacing plug sockets and yelling at Vanessa Feltz, when she does that smug promo for her sad radio show on breakfast tv, whilst trying hard to keep her capacious backside on the largest chair they could find for her. I hate that inane woman more than words can express.

Anyway, its been lovely ranting at you all! Could I just say that if a few of you could just get Google accounts, never to use them again, you could actually comment on my posts and, perhaps, even dare to disagree with me!

Huggles.

xxx