BBC Transcript Of My election Night Speech

Copyright BBC NEWS 2010.

Please note that, due to the live nature of this recording accuracy of content cannot be guaranteed.

[waits for applause to die down]

Thank you. Thank you. Now shut the fuck up. That means you, bitch. I just wanted to say thank you for all of you who voted for me. As you know, I was a latecomer to this election and, as a result, was not able to add my name to the ballot. Instead I implored you to just scratch my name in at the bottom in the certain hope that this would still count. Over 14,000 spoilt ballot papers suggest that many of you did just that. Since a Tory election majority would have been achieved with a mere 12,000 additional votes in key areas, I feel like I have accomplished something. It's not every day a humble servant of the people, such as myself, gets the opportunity to stick two fingers up the self rigteous arse of that twat Cameron.

At the time of writing Gordon has done the right thing for the country and indicated he is to resign. Hopefully this will pave the way for a Labour Lib Dem Pact and enable labour to continue to hold the balance of power. It makes me proud of our democracy where a party which came second, and even with the promise of a Liberal democrat coalition still has a minority of seats, can continue to govern.

I have offered my services in any future government, but despite several phone calls I have yet to succeed in getting further than speaking to a very nice police officer who told me in no uncertain terms he knew where I lived and had a very large truncheon which he knew what to do with. More fool him though, because when I made those phone calls I was actually in my next door neighbour's house. Hello Doris - I've borrowed your lawnmower, by the way.

[force tears out for impact and look into the middle distance wistfully]

But it is no point crying over what is not, nor of pondering on what great things we might have achieved together. Our time, is now over. Our memories, cherished, but already fading. We must face an uncertain future together. We must face it, not only with great courage and fortitude, but also with great quantities of cheap booze. Booze makes everything better. Vanessa Feltz, for instance, becomes less annoying with every glass.

In closing I would just like to say how fortunate I was in that I had my lovely beard to support me during the tough times. And it is to Colin, fuck, I mean Sarah, that I owe the most thanks. I am now going back to my home to prepare to pack. Does anyone have any boxes?