My Election Manifesto

Dear voters,

It has come to my attention that you want change. Not change for the sake of change, or change you can believe in, or change you can't believe in for that matter. I offer a very real alternative to the current staid fare on offer. And I hope that I can count on your vote this coming Thursday. Although not on any ballot I am hoping you might just scribble my name on the bottom. I am reliably informed by my mate Carl that these will count.

I make no apologies for saying my manifesto requires some tough choices. We are facing a budget deficit higher than we have ever known in peacetime, and have not even got a humbled ruined country to show for it - although I accept there are plenty of proud ruined ones.

My basic premise is to get people who can afford to pay for it to pay the most. Well, all of it actually. Those who can't afford to directly pay for it will be asked to make sacrifices of a different kind. More of that later, in the small print.

HEADLINE PROMISES

A Brighter Tomorrow

An end to energy saving lightbulbs will easily achieve this.

A Better Future

This classic Bowie track from the acclaimed Heathen album from 2002 free to all.

Vouchers For Schools

Collect 25 pot noodle lids and get a free school in a sink hole estate.

Free Cat Food For The Elderly

Not only a welcome benefit but will also stop them clogging up buses since that is about the only reason they have to go out making going to work a much more pleasurable experience for the rest of us contributing members of society.

Free Chinese Language Tuition For All

Which we will be needing when I get rid of, not only Polaris, but also all conventional forces as well.

Restoration of Hoodies

A much needed rebalancing of fashion against the security needs of vulnerable people. Children instead will be banned, which seems a much more sensible idea to me.

The Banning Of Arses hanging Out of baggy Jeans

Nuff Said.

Criminalising Making Claims Against Councils For Tripping Over Paving Stones Cause You Were Too Busy Texting Your Stupid Fucking Mates Instead Of Looking Where You Were Fucking Going

Banning Vanessa Feltz


THE SMALL PRINT

Clearly there are cost implications to these proposals and I do not want to shy away from being honest with you. So here is how I plan to pay for the manifesto proposals, as well as driving down the deficit to zero in just 12 months.

CHARGING EACH PERSON WHO TWEETED DAVID CAMERON IS A CUNT £1

Should raise around £2bn - mostly from Phillip Marshall!

CHARGING THE BBC £1 EACH TIME ONE OF THEIR REPORTERS ASKS A STUPID QUESTION

Should raise around £500 million annually

SELLING WALES

Should raise a useful million. £2 million if we throw in Shirley Bassey who has a few good years left in her.

CHARING MURDOCH £1 FOR EACH COPY OF THE SUN HE SELLS TO RACISTS, BIGOTS AND NUMPTIES

Conservatively £1.6 billion a year

TAXING UNDERAGE MOTHERS

Will bring in £4bn a year - mainly from Swindon.

MOTHBALLING THE NHS FOR 12 MONTHS

No treatment of any kind. All employees to be kept on and issued with scrubbing brushes. The predicted 150,000 of people who die in the year as a result more than offset by the dramtic reductions in deaths from bacterial related infections in following five years. Should save £35bn. The added benefits of not having to pay pensions and disability benefits will add another £8 billion.

TAXING SUPERMARKETS FOR EACH EMPLOYEE THEY HIRE WHO IS UNABLE TO SELL ALCOHOL BECAUSE THEY ARE TOO FUCKING YOUNG.

Should raise £2bn annually from Sainsburys alone

TAXING EACH IPHONE/IPAD USER FOR THEIR CONTRIBUTION TO GLOBAL WARMING FOR CONSTANTLY TWEETING HOW FUCKING BRILLIANT THESE DEVICES ARE

Around £500 million per year

A POUND FOR POUND LEVY FOR EACH COMPANY WHO CAN AFFORD TO MAKE GOOD THE PENSION FUNDS OF THEIR EMPLOYEES BUT CHOOSES NOT TO

That's a billion fron Tesco's alone

TAXING PEOPLE WHO CHOOSE TO NAME THEIR CHILDREN USING INCORRECT SPELLING

A cool £4 billion from Croydon and Essex folk alone. (Sorry to all the Shantells out there).



HANGING ON TO THE SHARES WE HAVE IN UK BANKS FOR EVER

Huge divends to be had there

ASKING BILL GATES FOR THE REST OR BANNING WINDOWS FROM THE UK AND MAKING LINUX COMPULSORY

Should just about make up the rest.

THE CLOSING PITCH

Some people say that a vote for me is a wasted vote. Well I say vote with your heart and not with your head. Look where common sense has got us so far! It's got to be worth a punt. I confidently look forward to your affirmation of my sensible and moderate policies this coming Thursday. I thank you for your attention in this matter. Please vote for me, or I'll come and shit in your living room. I will!