Weekly Round Up

Well aint it been a great week for news. Political excitement galore as it turns out that neither manifesto of either coalition party was as urgent and desperately needed as we were led to believe. The dangerous £6bn of cuts the Tories wanted, previously lambasted as dangerous by the Lib Dems are now prudent. The illegal Immigrant amnesty proposed by the Lib Dems has transformed itself into the "Fuck Off Johnny Foreigner, We Don't Want Your Sort Here" policy. So no shift of position there then. All seems a bit fishy to me. Clearly Clegg and Cameron are very good at blowjobs

Haig and Clegg also seem to be getting on like a house on fire. Just as well since in these austere times there are not enough grace and favour houses to go round. Cameron gets Chequers of course,whilst Haig and Clegg are forced to share the humble Kent abode which is Chevening. At a miserly 155 rooms,they will be adopting the Ryanairesque policy of one piece of hand luggage per person. Poor fuckers. Mind you, as someone who's bathroom is so small I have to hold my toothbrush horizontally to brush my teeth, I am rather sparing with my sympathy.

Much more deserving is the woman in the paper earlier this week discussing her tendancy, whilst walking her dog, to pick up her its shit and place it in her coat, only for it to be found several days later, amongst the other poopy bags she has accumulated. In the same article she was also informing us all about her house full of stuff she could not bare to throw out. Describing herself as a "compulsive hoarder",she was quoted as saying that, she was coping well with her hoarding and was "probably on the right side of obsessive". Well, far be it from me to suggest otherwise, and certainly not claiming to be a medical man, but I would say any middle aged biddy who fills her coat pockets with her dog's shit, is probably well advised to count any compulsion to hoard, as amongst the least of her problems. This is what happens to women with a good disposable income who can afford dry cleaning. Dirty bitch.

Inflation is up again. A large part of the reason is apparently due to the rises in the price of food as "supermarkets fight to restore their shattered profit margins". This the same week as Sainsbury's announce a 15% growth in their profits and the best year ever. It seems the shattered profit margins have recovered about as quickly as Citibank's balance sheet. Lying, money grabbing fuckers. With such excellent profits, I suspect most of it has been generated by the increase in the price of tinned sweetcorn, which has gone up by 10 pence a can, at the same time the can has reduced in size by 25%. Still all this can easily be offset by the fabulous half price wine deals at the moment. My favourite wine is down from £9.99 to £4.99 at the moment which, as the stickers excitedly inform me is less than half price. However, since this is my favourite wine, I happen to know that this wine has been on sale for the last two years at £6.99, so a reduction to £4.99 suddenly does not seem quite so enticing. Apparently, in the small print in plain and striking half point type the wine was sold at the higher price in selected stores for a period of not less than 14 days. Again, reality twisting, lying fuckers. I am convinced that somewhere in the UK there is a single Sainsburys that only stocks about 12 products, all at shockingly high prices and which is open between the hours of 2am and one minute past 2am, so they can get away with this bollocks. If I was Prime Minister this would be top of my list. Well, once I have sorted out the economy and worked out a way to legally muzzle Vannessa Feltz.

It was reported on Monday that Conrad Murray, who some of you may know better as the Doctor who definitely did not have anything to do with Michael Jackson's death, saved the life of a airline passenger who fainted at 30,000 feet, using nothing more than the basic equipment on the plane. When she regained consciousness he introduced himself by saying "You probably know me: I was Michael Jackson 's doctor". At which point she had a massive heart attack and died (possibly not). The Metro stated "The woman,who had been released from hospital, said she woke up to see Doctor Murray standing over her". Which is more than can be said of Michael Jackson.