Weekly Round Up

Dear all seven readers,

It has come to my attention that I have not done a weekly round up of news for a month. I can only blame this on the trauma attached to my belated failed attempts to become Prime Minister - coupled with the shock of the worst budget to hit our shores since, well, not quite sure when it was really, but that is hardly the point. The main point is in the ranting, which shall now begin on the next paragraph.

After it was announced that the government was to have a close look at benefit payments there was absolute fucking uproar - mainly from the very people who have a good income AND complain about scum living in their neighbourhoods. The first change announced was that people on income support would no longer be able to claim more than £400 a week for any house they live in. This sensible change caused the Liberal Left to claim that this would "Force people into the suburbs" and create a divide between the "have" and the "have nots". Well, excuse fucking me. But isn't that what property prices have always done? I earn almost £50k a year and I can't afford to live in Notting Hill. I am not certain why some lardy layabout should feel entitled to live in the area, nor what they feel they might contribute, above me, when in all honesty, you can be unemployed ANYWHERE, at a much cheaper price. The only thing I can think such people would bring to the neighbourhood would be all night off licences and chicken takeaways. But I could be biased.

I happened to be watching Newsnight a couple of days after the budget and they were interviewing this lardy arsed woman who had seven (count em) kids. Apparently "All of us on the street have a lot of kids - I don't know why". Well, the answer perhaps becomes apparent when the interviewer asked her how much she got a week in benefits and she replied £670. Fuck me! £670!!!! Tax Free. That's nudging a grand a week before tax. How many people in the UK get that? And she was not living in London. She was from the North. At least 30% cheaper to live up there.

The interviewer then moved on to her tatooed husband and asked him why he did not find work. He said he HAD looked for work, but that he had worked out that he would ONLY be £10 a week better off. Well HE might be only £10 a week better off. But the state would be about £250 a week better off. And this is exactly what's wrong with the welfare system. It discourages work amongst those who are able to perform some. His silly lardy wife who wonders why she and all her friends have had so many children should look no further. The answer is two fold. Firstly, if you have kids apparently the state is more than happy to pay for them - thus storing up future trouble. Second - if you aint working you don't have much to do most of the day apart from fucking. Had I been made Prime Minister my first universally popular policy would be to say "Never mind what has gone before, if you are currently unemployed and choose to have more than two kids, then go ahead. But you won't get a penny from us". Billions saved.

In fact, in summary this is my revised manifesto:


1.  Child Benefit - for new births we will pay for a maximum of two. If you have three and your cheap house is no longer sufficient we will be only to pleased to point you in the direction of a reasonably priced shed.

2.  Means tested child benefit. Osborne said it would be "Too costly" to set up a department to means test this benefit. Fucking bollocks. The IRS already knows what you earn. Just link the tax system to the benefit system and say that anyone earning over £50k a year can't have the benefit. The middle class can bleat all they like, but they will just have to buy cheaper wine or knock off a few cable channels. Easy as fucking piss.

3.  Winter Fuel Allowance - My mother gets this lovely £250 lump sum every year. By her own admission she spends this on Christmas presents. She is still working AND drawing two pensions and could quite easily manage without it. So get rid of it for working pensioners. Absolute waste of fucking money.

4. Our bank investment - currently worth in excess of £25billion seems to have been completely omitted from the government figures. Whilst I am not averse to holding the banks by the bollocks for as long as possible, Osborne should have written this off his defecit projection since it clearly has a massive influence on the need to reduce spending - just so long as they don't spend it on lardy work dodgers.

In other news I see that the latest version of the iPhone is causing problems related to reception. Apparently keeping thumb on the left hand bottom of the device can cause signal degradation. This is causing great consternation amongst all those iPhone users who feel the need to constantly search Google Maps to reassure themselves that they are in the same bar they have been drinking in for fifteen years. Purists of the iPhone are up in arms (or down in thumbs), but there is apparently a real take up amongst people with metal prosthetic arms. Apparently, they have never had it so good. for the rest of you, I can only suggest, if you cannot avoid using your left finger on the bottom of this shiny Tesco available status symbol, that you try this for added reception. Apparently Videoforjustme.com has never loaded faster.  Plus it would get you out a bit more.

xxx