Well aint it been a great week for news. Political excitement galore as it turns out that neither manifesto of either coalition party was as urgent and desperately needed as we were led to believe. The dangerous £6bn of cuts the Tories wanted, previously lambasted as dangerous by the Lib Dems are now prudent. The illegal Immigrant amnesty proposed by the Lib Dems has transformed itself into the "Fuck Off Johnny Foreigner, We Don't Want Your Sort Here" policy. So no shift of position there then. All seems a bit fishy to me. Clearly Clegg and Cameron are very good at blowjobs
Haig and Clegg also seem to be getting on like a house on fire. Just as well since in these austere times there are not enough grace and favour houses to go round. Cameron gets Chequers of course,whilst Haig and Clegg are forced to share the humble Kent abode which is Chevening. At a miserly 155 rooms,they will be adopting the Ryanairesque policy of one piece of hand luggage per person. Poor fuckers. Mind you, as someone who's bathroom is so small I have to hold my toothbrush horizontally to brush my teeth, I am rather sparing with my sympathy.
Much more deserving is the woman in the paper earlier this week discussing her tendancy, whilst walking her dog, to pick up her its shit and place it in her coat, only for it to be found several days later, amongst the other poopy bags she has accumulated. In the same article she was also informing us all about her house full of stuff she could not bare to throw out. Describing herself as a "compulsive hoarder",she was quoted as saying that, she was coping well with her hoarding and was "probably on the right side of obsessive". Well, far be it from me to suggest otherwise, and certainly not claiming to be a medical man, but I would say any middle aged biddy who fills her coat pockets with her dog's shit, is probably well advised to count any compulsion to hoard, as amongst the least of her problems. This is what happens to women with a good disposable income who can afford dry cleaning. Dirty bitch.
Inflation is up again. A large part of the reason is apparently due to the rises in the price of food as "supermarkets fight to restore their shattered profit margins". This the same week as Sainsbury's announce a 15% growth in their profits and the best year ever. It seems the shattered profit margins have recovered about as quickly as Citibank's balance sheet. Lying, money grabbing fuckers. With such excellent profits, I suspect most of it has been generated by the increase in the price of tinned sweetcorn, which has gone up by 10 pence a can, at the same time the can has reduced in size by 25%. Still all this can easily be offset by the fabulous half price wine deals at the moment. My favourite wine is down from £9.99 to £4.99 at the moment which, as the stickers excitedly inform me is less than half price. However, since this is my favourite wine, I happen to know that this wine has been on sale for the last two years at £6.99, so a reduction to £4.99 suddenly does not seem quite so enticing. Apparently, in the small print in plain and striking half point type the wine was sold at the higher price in selected stores for a period of not less than 14 days. Again, reality twisting, lying fuckers. I am convinced that somewhere in the UK there is a single Sainsburys that only stocks about 12 products, all at shockingly high prices and which is open between the hours of 2am and one minute past 2am, so they can get away with this bollocks. If I was Prime Minister this would be top of my list. Well, once I have sorted out the economy and worked out a way to legally muzzle Vannessa Feltz.
It was reported on Monday that Conrad Murray, who some of you may know better as the Doctor who definitely did not have anything to do with Michael Jackson's death, saved the life of a airline passenger who fainted at 30,000 feet, using nothing more than the basic equipment on the plane. When she regained consciousness he introduced himself by saying "You probably know me: I was Michael Jackson 's doctor". At which point she had a massive heart attack and died (possibly not). The Metro stated "The woman,who had been released from hospital, said she woke up to see Doctor Murray standing over her". Which is more than can be said of Michael Jackson.
Saturday, 22 May 2010
Saturday, 15 May 2010
This Is Why Yahoo Is Shit
Its been a pretty quiet week really. The rumour is that Ian Duncan Smith has appointed Philippa Stroud to be his special advisor. You might not have heard of this woman. She is mainly latterly famous for being attached to a church run by her husband who seems to believe you can cure people of homosexuality by praying over them.
Monday, 10 May 2010
BBC Transcript Of My election Night Speech
Copyright BBC NEWS 2010.
Please note that, due to the live nature of this recording accuracy of content cannot be guaranteed.
[waits for applause to die down]
Thank you. Thank you. Now shut the fuck up. That means you, bitch. I just wanted to say thank you for all of you who voted for me. As you know, I was a latecomer to this election and, as a result, was not able to add my name to the ballot. Instead I implored you to just scratch my name in at the bottom in the certain hope that this would still count. Over 14,000 spoilt ballot papers suggest that many of you did just that. Since a Tory election majority would have been achieved with a mere 12,000 additional votes in key areas, I feel like I have accomplished something. It's not every day a humble servant of the people, such as myself, gets the opportunity to stick two fingers up the self rigteous arse of that twat Cameron.
At the time of writing Gordon has done the right thing for the country and indicated he is to resign. Hopefully this will pave the way for a Labour Lib Dem Pact and enable labour to continue to hold the balance of power. It makes me proud of our democracy where a party which came second, and even with the promise of a Liberal democrat coalition still has a minority of seats, can continue to govern.
I have offered my services in any future government, but despite several phone calls I have yet to succeed in getting further than speaking to a very nice police officer who told me in no uncertain terms he knew where I lived and had a very large truncheon which he knew what to do with. More fool him though, because when I made those phone calls I was actually in my next door neighbour's house. Hello Doris - I've borrowed your lawnmower, by the way.
[force tears out for impact and look into the middle distance wistfully]
But it is no point crying over what is not, nor of pondering on what great things we might have achieved together. Our time, is now over. Our memories, cherished, but already fading. We must face an uncertain future together. We must face it, not only with great courage and fortitude, but also with great quantities of cheap booze. Booze makes everything better. Vanessa Feltz, for instance, becomes less annoying with every glass.
In closing I would just like to say how fortunate I was in that I had my lovely beard to support me during the tough times. And it is to Colin, fuck, I mean Sarah, that I owe the most thanks. I am now going back to my home to prepare to pack. Does anyone have any boxes?
Please note that, due to the live nature of this recording accuracy of content cannot be guaranteed.
[waits for applause to die down]
Thank you. Thank you. Now shut the fuck up. That means you, bitch. I just wanted to say thank you for all of you who voted for me. As you know, I was a latecomer to this election and, as a result, was not able to add my name to the ballot. Instead I implored you to just scratch my name in at the bottom in the certain hope that this would still count. Over 14,000 spoilt ballot papers suggest that many of you did just that. Since a Tory election majority would have been achieved with a mere 12,000 additional votes in key areas, I feel like I have accomplished something. It's not every day a humble servant of the people, such as myself, gets the opportunity to stick two fingers up the self rigteous arse of that twat Cameron.
At the time of writing Gordon has done the right thing for the country and indicated he is to resign. Hopefully this will pave the way for a Labour Lib Dem Pact and enable labour to continue to hold the balance of power. It makes me proud of our democracy where a party which came second, and even with the promise of a Liberal democrat coalition still has a minority of seats, can continue to govern.
I have offered my services in any future government, but despite several phone calls I have yet to succeed in getting further than speaking to a very nice police officer who told me in no uncertain terms he knew where I lived and had a very large truncheon which he knew what to do with. More fool him though, because when I made those phone calls I was actually in my next door neighbour's house. Hello Doris - I've borrowed your lawnmower, by the way.
[force tears out for impact and look into the middle distance wistfully]
But it is no point crying over what is not, nor of pondering on what great things we might have achieved together. Our time, is now over. Our memories, cherished, but already fading. We must face an uncertain future together. We must face it, not only with great courage and fortitude, but also with great quantities of cheap booze. Booze makes everything better. Vanessa Feltz, for instance, becomes less annoying with every glass.
In closing I would just like to say how fortunate I was in that I had my lovely beard to support me during the tough times. And it is to Colin, fuck, I mean Sarah, that I owe the most thanks. I am now going back to my home to prepare to pack. Does anyone have any boxes?
Tuesday, 4 May 2010
My Election Manifesto
Dear voters,
It has come to my attention that you want change. Not change for the sake of change, or change you can believe in, or change you can't believe in for that matter. I offer a very real alternative to the current staid fare on offer. And I hope that I can count on your vote this coming Thursday. Although not on any ballot I am hoping you might just scribble my name on the bottom. I am reliably informed by my mate Carl that these will count.
I make no apologies for saying my manifesto requires some tough choices. We are facing a budget deficit higher than we have ever known in peacetime, and have not even got a humbled ruined country to show for it - although I accept there are plenty of proud ruined ones.
My basic premise is to get people who can afford to pay for it to pay the most. Well, all of it actually. Those who can't afford to directly pay for it will be asked to make sacrifices of a different kind. More of that later, in the small print.
HEADLINE PROMISES
A Brighter Tomorrow
An end to energy saving lightbulbs will easily achieve this.
A Better Future
This classic Bowie track from the acclaimed Heathen album from 2002 free to all.
Vouchers For Schools
Collect 25 pot noodle lids and get a free school in a sink hole estate.
Free Cat Food For The Elderly
Not only a welcome benefit but will also stop them clogging up buses since that is about the only reason they have to go out making going to work a much more pleasurable experience for the rest of us contributing members of society.
Free Chinese Language Tuition For All
Which we will be needing when I get rid of, not only Polaris, but also all conventional forces as well.
Restoration of Hoodies
A much needed rebalancing of fashion against the security needs of vulnerable people. Children instead will be banned, which seems a much more sensible idea to me.
The Banning Of Arses hanging Out of baggy Jeans
Nuff Said.
Criminalising Making Claims Against Councils For Tripping Over Paving Stones Cause You Were Too Busy Texting Your Stupid Fucking Mates Instead Of Looking Where You Were Fucking Going
Banning Vanessa Feltz
THE SMALL PRINT
Clearly there are cost implications to these proposals and I do not want to shy away from being honest with you. So here is how I plan to pay for the manifesto proposals, as well as driving down the deficit to zero in just 12 months.
CHARGING EACH PERSON WHO TWEETED DAVID CAMERON IS A CUNT £1
Should raise around £2bn - mostly from Phillip Marshall!
CHARGING THE BBC £1 EACH TIME ONE OF THEIR REPORTERS ASKS A STUPID QUESTION
Should raise around £500 million annually
SELLING WALES
Should raise a useful million. £2 million if we throw in Shirley Bassey who has a few good years left in her.
CHARING MURDOCH £1 FOR EACH COPY OF THE SUN HE SELLS TO RACISTS, BIGOTS AND NUMPTIES
Conservatively £1.6 billion a year
TAXING UNDERAGE MOTHERS
Will bring in £4bn a year - mainly from Swindon.
MOTHBALLING THE NHS FOR 12 MONTHS
No treatment of any kind. All employees to be kept on and issued with scrubbing brushes. The predicted 150,000 of people who die in the year as a result more than offset by the dramtic reductions in deaths from bacterial related infections in following five years. Should save £35bn. The added benefits of not having to pay pensions and disability benefits will add another £8 billion.
TAXING SUPERMARKETS FOR EACH EMPLOYEE THEY HIRE WHO IS UNABLE TO SELL ALCOHOL BECAUSE THEY ARE TOO FUCKING YOUNG.
Should raise £2bn annually from Sainsburys alone
TAXING EACH IPHONE/IPAD USER FOR THEIR CONTRIBUTION TO GLOBAL WARMING FOR CONSTANTLY TWEETING HOW FUCKING BRILLIANT THESE DEVICES ARE
Around £500 million per year
A POUND FOR POUND LEVY FOR EACH COMPANY WHO CAN AFFORD TO MAKE GOOD THE PENSION FUNDS OF THEIR EMPLOYEES BUT CHOOSES NOT TO
That's a billion fron Tesco's alone
TAXING PEOPLE WHO CHOOSE TO NAME THEIR CHILDREN USING INCORRECT SPELLING
A cool £4 billion from Croydon and Essex folk alone. (Sorry to all the Shantells out there).
HANGING ON TO THE SHARES WE HAVE IN UK BANKS FOR EVER
Huge divends to be had there
ASKING BILL GATES FOR THE REST OR BANNING WINDOWS FROM THE UK AND MAKING LINUX COMPULSORY
Should just about make up the rest.
THE CLOSING PITCH
Some people say that a vote for me is a wasted vote. Well I say vote with your heart and not with your head. Look where common sense has got us so far! It's got to be worth a punt. I confidently look forward to your affirmation of my sensible and moderate policies this coming Thursday. I thank you for your attention in this matter. Please vote for me, or I'll come and shit in your living room. I will!
It has come to my attention that you want change. Not change for the sake of change, or change you can believe in, or change you can't believe in for that matter. I offer a very real alternative to the current staid fare on offer. And I hope that I can count on your vote this coming Thursday. Although not on any ballot I am hoping you might just scribble my name on the bottom. I am reliably informed by my mate Carl that these will count.
I make no apologies for saying my manifesto requires some tough choices. We are facing a budget deficit higher than we have ever known in peacetime, and have not even got a humbled ruined country to show for it - although I accept there are plenty of proud ruined ones.
My basic premise is to get people who can afford to pay for it to pay the most. Well, all of it actually. Those who can't afford to directly pay for it will be asked to make sacrifices of a different kind. More of that later, in the small print.
HEADLINE PROMISES
A Brighter Tomorrow
An end to energy saving lightbulbs will easily achieve this.
A Better Future
This classic Bowie track from the acclaimed Heathen album from 2002 free to all.
Vouchers For Schools
Collect 25 pot noodle lids and get a free school in a sink hole estate.
Free Cat Food For The Elderly
Not only a welcome benefit but will also stop them clogging up buses since that is about the only reason they have to go out making going to work a much more pleasurable experience for the rest of us contributing members of society.
Free Chinese Language Tuition For All
Which we will be needing when I get rid of, not only Polaris, but also all conventional forces as well.
Restoration of Hoodies
A much needed rebalancing of fashion against the security needs of vulnerable people. Children instead will be banned, which seems a much more sensible idea to me.
The Banning Of Arses hanging Out of baggy Jeans
Nuff Said.
Criminalising Making Claims Against Councils For Tripping Over Paving Stones Cause You Were Too Busy Texting Your Stupid Fucking Mates Instead Of Looking Where You Were Fucking Going
Banning Vanessa Feltz
THE SMALL PRINT
Clearly there are cost implications to these proposals and I do not want to shy away from being honest with you. So here is how I plan to pay for the manifesto proposals, as well as driving down the deficit to zero in just 12 months.
CHARGING EACH PERSON WHO TWEETED DAVID CAMERON IS A CUNT £1
Should raise around £2bn - mostly from Phillip Marshall!
CHARGING THE BBC £1 EACH TIME ONE OF THEIR REPORTERS ASKS A STUPID QUESTION
Should raise around £500 million annually
SELLING WALES
Should raise a useful million. £2 million if we throw in Shirley Bassey who has a few good years left in her.
CHARING MURDOCH £1 FOR EACH COPY OF THE SUN HE SELLS TO RACISTS, BIGOTS AND NUMPTIES
Conservatively £1.6 billion a year
TAXING UNDERAGE MOTHERS
Will bring in £4bn a year - mainly from Swindon.
MOTHBALLING THE NHS FOR 12 MONTHS
No treatment of any kind. All employees to be kept on and issued with scrubbing brushes. The predicted 150,000 of people who die in the year as a result more than offset by the dramtic reductions in deaths from bacterial related infections in following five years. Should save £35bn. The added benefits of not having to pay pensions and disability benefits will add another £8 billion.
TAXING SUPERMARKETS FOR EACH EMPLOYEE THEY HIRE WHO IS UNABLE TO SELL ALCOHOL BECAUSE THEY ARE TOO FUCKING YOUNG.
Should raise £2bn annually from Sainsburys alone
TAXING EACH IPHONE/IPAD USER FOR THEIR CONTRIBUTION TO GLOBAL WARMING FOR CONSTANTLY TWEETING HOW FUCKING BRILLIANT THESE DEVICES ARE
Around £500 million per year
A POUND FOR POUND LEVY FOR EACH COMPANY WHO CAN AFFORD TO MAKE GOOD THE PENSION FUNDS OF THEIR EMPLOYEES BUT CHOOSES NOT TO
That's a billion fron Tesco's alone
TAXING PEOPLE WHO CHOOSE TO NAME THEIR CHILDREN USING INCORRECT SPELLING
A cool £4 billion from Croydon and Essex folk alone. (Sorry to all the Shantells out there).
HANGING ON TO THE SHARES WE HAVE IN UK BANKS FOR EVER
Huge divends to be had there
ASKING BILL GATES FOR THE REST OR BANNING WINDOWS FROM THE UK AND MAKING LINUX COMPULSORY
Should just about make up the rest.
THE CLOSING PITCH
Some people say that a vote for me is a wasted vote. Well I say vote with your heart and not with your head. Look where common sense has got us so far! It's got to be worth a punt. I confidently look forward to your affirmation of my sensible and moderate policies this coming Thursday. I thank you for your attention in this matter. Please vote for me, or I'll come and shit in your living room. I will!
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