Character References At Reasonable Prices

Hello all,

It's been a couple of weeks. Work is busy, busy, busy. Not much news round up to report cause I have not really been that aware of any - although I do believe Spain have deservedly won the World Cup. Not quite sure what sport that was for, but the cup did look lovely. A bit like a knob after a particularly heavy fucking session. A bit like Wayne Rooney, in that respect. I should not keep picking on Rooney though. Its not his fault he looks like he accidentally fell into an industrial potato peeler as a child. I will just say that I think he is one of the few Premier league footballers, who I would much prefer kept his shirt on at the end of the match. There is nothing quite so disconcerting as seeing someone with the body of an early forties paunchy Gazza attached to the nipples of a 12 year old. Its all very weird, if you ask me, and not at all right. Almost like they had built him out of the bits of footballers they had left over. ANWAY......

I was recently asked to provide a character reference for a very good friend of mine who has just moved house. Of course I was pleased to do so. I am so pleased with the results that I produce the letter I possibly sent for you all to see. It goes without saying that if any of my loyal 11 readers are ever in need of a character reference, you need only ask. Of course, the names have been changed to protect the innocent.

To Whom it may concern,



I have been asked to provide a character reference for Michael Socrates, which I am more than happy to do.


I have known Michael since 1999, initially online and more recently when he moved to England with no notice, and with little more than the clothes he was standing up in.


During the first few months Michael worked hard improving his English and eventually found a job as a pork scratcher. He pursued this job with dedication and perserverence, only finally handing in his notice when he realised that there was absolutely no call for it, and that he had been badly misled by a dillusional crack addict called Bernard. He has now successfully established himself as an underpaid freelance something or other. All I know is it involves a Macbook and copious amounts of Stella.


I am sure you will find Michael to be a positive contribution to your household. He is well liked by me and many other people of all ages. Certainly, when he stayed with me and my partner, the large number of older gentlemen who used to stop by for half an hour or so, always left with a smile on their faces. That’s one of his most endearing qualities – that he can offer something to people of all ages.


Michael is very responsible when it comes to money and always spends it wisely and with a nod to the longer term. He tends to travel light but the possessions he has bought are always of the highest quality. For instance, I was very impressed with the set of digital weighing scales he bought that can weigh anything from a tenth of a gram, all the way up to a kilo. A word of warning though – he can get very possessive. I took them to work once when I was asked by the boss to make some pancakes for Pancake Tuesday and he screamed at me for a good hour when I got home that night about how much money I had cost him. He was right though, I should have asked.


Although Michael came from a background where personal hygiene ranked far lower for my liking down a list of priorities that included carrying water from the nearby well, I am pleased to say that he has made concerted efforts to improve in this area during the five years he stayed with us. He no longer forages in the bin for scraps and has learnt that the dinner table is not an appropriate place at which to scratch himself before dipping his natchos. In fact, our third housekeeper in as many months reported recently that she was now willing to clean the downstairs toilet, albeit still with some trepidation and at all times accompanied.


If I had one complaint about Michael, it would be his penchant for burning spoons, which he does, he tells me, to relieve stress. I have a drawer full of scorched ones. I recently invested in a box of cheap aluminium ones for him, but they have remained largely unused because apparently they melt too easily and make him sick. However, I think he now has his own spoon, so this should not be a problem.


Generally Michael keeps himself to himself. I really only noticed he was there at all during his 5am call to prayer. He does not swear, drink or cavort with women and I have never seen him lose his temper in a particularly violent way, although he does occasionally throw his shoes at you. And, although pets were never really my thing before Michael came to live with us, I find that, now he has gone, I am really missing the Llama.


I hope this gives you an accurate indication of the calibre of person you are inviting into your home. Of course, a letter can never give the full flavour of the person, so if you should need any more information please do not hesitate to contact me.






Yours faithfully






Philip Backhouse






P.S. Michael has left 12 boxes of ammonium peroxide bleach in my upstairs hall cupboard. He asked me to buy them for him as a present in May 2005, as he was thinking of taking up hairdressing with four of his friends. I assume he has gone off the idea, and I have certainly not seen his four hairdressing friends since early July 2005. As they are taking up room needed by my new tenant of equal goodstanding, Mr Glitter, could you ask Michael if he still wants them? I’ve tried calling him on the number I had for him but it seems to have been disconnected, and the numbers I had for his four friends just keep going straight to voicemail.


Wishing you the very best.