FRESHFLAPS

Hello all,

Well its been a weird start to the new year. As most of you know by now we are having to move from Sunnyside Rd after seven lovely years there. We had four years at number 40 and then three more years at number 44 – our easiest move ever: we just loaded up the removal van from the back and carried it out from the front. A bargain £400 if ever there was one, although we got a few strange looks from the removal men.  We had hoped to buy this one to add to our expanding property portfolio (well one anyway) but, alas it is not to be. We COULD move across the road as there is a house for sale bang opposite us. Unfortunately “Sunnyside” only lives up to its promise on our side of the road. The other side gets no sun at all and backs on to a cemetery. That probably explains why the people who live on that side of the road look so fucking miserable all the time. And we don’t want to turn into one of those people.

We definitely want to stay in Chesham though. It’s a lovely little town with lovely little shops for lovely local people. Its even got a little butchers where you can buy nice sausages made on the premises. As Alan is not too keen on meat being in the house I usually have to wolf a few down before I get home. If they are that delicious raw, I can only imagine how good they would taste were they to be cooked.

We actually found a few houses which would suit us down to the ground. “Bra” House remained a favourite up until the last minute. Nice open plan with a great garden and two bathrooms – one of them en suite. We called it “Bra House” because when we went to visit it there was a dirty bitch of a tenant in it and, apart from the half pint glasses of curdled Baileys lying around and half eaten pizza everywhere, she had kindly left a massive black bra on the floor by the doorway. So we called it “Bra House” and its kinda stuck. In fact the selling agents are also calling it Bra House as well. If we were to buy it I can easily imagine sticking a plaque on the front door informing Chesham passers by that this was “Brar House”. A kind of in joke. However since it is unlikely we’ll be buying that, it looks like it will be up to the future tenants to decide whether they think naming their house after a pair of knocker holders is appropriate for them. Or we could just sneak a plaque on the front door now and they would be none the wiser.

The winning house turned out to be just down the road from us. Nice and roomy with a big garden and potential for some internal renovations. It was on the market at offers over £190k. So we offered £190k which we thought was reasonable in the circumstances. It was turned down and the agent said they were looking for an extra three. We called their bluff and they agreed to take our original offer. So there we are, solicitors arranged, cheques signed and valuation booked when we get another phone call from their agent saying they had done some more sums and they really did need an extra £3k. As you can imagine we were not best pleased as we had already started planning where we would put the Olympic sized swimming pool and camel hutch. Even though we can afford it we are now worried that if they are that tight for cash another problem could come along in the next six weeks and it could all fall through anyway. We’d end up possibly not finding something suitable and having to rent again. So we went a looky looking on Friday.

This turned out to be a very good decision. We have found a much better house for not too much more money. The garden is really really nice and it has a summer house and a huge pond and lots of room for growing fruit and veggies. We went back again yesterday with our friend Kate to have another look at it and we are going to put an offer in on Monday. So keep your fingers crossed for us.

UPDATE

Well its now Monday and am very pleased to announce that the offer has been accepted and we are chuffed to little mintballs. All we have to do now is pay for it, so to this end I want to formerly announce that I am offering my body for sexual services. No reasonable offer refused and I’m willing to do almost anything. My only condition is that activities have to take place with the lights off and I will not remove my hood until firmly ensconced in the darkened room of my choosing. This is not because I am at all bashful, but more to do with the fact that the pictures of me that I will be posting are not that recent. Well, actually they are not of me at all, but I have been told I do a wonderful vocal impression of that bloke from The Killers and I am hoping that singing a few bars of Spaceman whilst being beaten on the bottom with a copy of Whitakers Almanac will be enough to see me through. If not I am also working on a new feminine hygiene product which I am quietly confident will bring me riches beyond measure. It's tentatively called FreshFlaps, which I am sure you will agree has a nice ring to it.I will keep you posted on developments.