Weekly Round Up

Hello all,

I'm back already. I know - I spoil you all. Am on the cusp of my week off now. Its been quite lovely. Spent some time with the husband and also a good chunk of time away from work.  The new job is taking a while to get used to so I thought the best thing to do in the circumstances was run away from it all for a week and take some of my outstanding holiday from last year. The 52 days I get can be very difficult to use up if you get distracted and I know I have all of your sympathies.

Am getting very excited about the new house and I will be waiting with trembling excitement tomorrow morning awaiting the written confirmation that our offer has been accepted. Then we can get the valuation up and running and then things should really start moving. I wish I could show you pictures of the house and its lovely garden but I forgot to take the camera so the only ones are the ones on the website which do it no justice at all. The only downside is the bathroom which is a bit ropey and doesn't even have a bath. This will not do, so the first thing we'll be doing is ripping the old one out and installing a new one. I fancy the idea of a free standing tub bath and a wet room. I did go on ebay this evening to price up baths and got sidetracked into one of those paid for ads at the side that gave online quotes for wetrooms. I like the idea of a wetroom so typed in rough dimensions. It came to a shade under £45,000! So I am not sure what I am getting for our money, but for that price gold and the accompanying bad taste must be in there somewhere. Anyway, suffice to say we'll be doing that room ourselves as well.

Not much else going on at the moment. I am mightily pissed off with Rupert Murdoch at the moment - not that he will give two shits, I am sure. A little while ago he bought Bravo and Virgin 1 (now renamed Channel One) for stupidly large sums of money. Well he has now gone and closed them - conveniently just as he launches a new channel containing a fair bit of the same programming but behind his paywall. Since we are with a cable operator we have no access to this new channel, even if we wanted to pay for it - which we don't. Its another example of his continuing abuse of his market position and exactly the same old tricks he used to get up to with his newspapers - buy the less successful ones and shut them down to stifle the competition. I honestly don't know how the old cunt gets away with it. Vince Cable had the right idea when he said he was making it his mission to tame him. I can't see how his bid to gain full control of BSYKB can get past the authorities now, if this is an example of his idea of competition. He probably will though on account of the fact that Cameron is a lilly livered tosser. I don't actually watch too much tv but Channel One had repeats of Star Trek Voyager on which, as everyone knows, was by far the best Star Trek franchise, what with the strong but fair Captain Janeway and the cute Harry Kim. I used to watch them whilst I was on my exercise bike. Now I will have to watch Jeremy Kyle and that show makes me so mad I'll probably have a heart attack whilst watching it, rather defeating the object of exercise.

Speaking of Cameron I see he wants to sell off the forests to the highest bidder. Apparently its all in the name of the "Big Society". Now, there are two points here. Firstly, The Forestry Commision seems to have done a very good job over the last 50 years of managing our lovely forests - certainly I have not heard any squirrels complaining. Secondly, this whole big society crap is really starting to piss me off. Apparently we are all to get more involved. Well I do get involved already. I get involved by going to visit the things I already pay for out of my taxes. I don't see why I should pay more to get less. This whole "Big Society" idea can be summed up as the idea that government "should do the least it can possibly get away with and be less accountable than it has ever been". It was bad enough when essential monopolistic services were privatised and tarted up as competitive services which would make things cheaper for the consumer. Yeah - like that happened. Now they are selling off the rest. Soon, the whole accountability of government activity will be reduced to one old bloke charged with emptying the litter bin at the end of Downing Street with everything else been left to us to sort out. Its the same with schools being allowed to opt out. The concept being that parents are best placed to run the schools their children go to.  Well, in my opinion, parents are the very last people you would want running schools. Half of them can't spell and the other half are too busy attending car boot sales, downing their own weight in cheap booze and playing Farmville. I suppose Cameron wants us to perform our own operations next as we are no doubt best placed to pop back in an errant hernia or lop out a spleen. He really is a wanker of the first order and if he wants to give us control of anything I suggest he gives us control of sewage disposal as I would be more than happy to drive up Downing Street and stuff a load of shit through his letter box.  Not just my own either. I'm quite happy to collect for every street in my area - that's the kind of big society guy I am.

Anyway I came across this amusing article when I typed in the terms "Cameron Cunt" into Google. Enjoy.

FRESHFLAPS

Hello all,

Well its been a weird start to the new year. As most of you know by now we are having to move from Sunnyside Rd after seven lovely years there. We had four years at number 40 and then three more years at number 44 – our easiest move ever: we just loaded up the removal van from the back and carried it out from the front. A bargain £400 if ever there was one, although we got a few strange looks from the removal men.  We had hoped to buy this one to add to our expanding property portfolio (well one anyway) but, alas it is not to be. We COULD move across the road as there is a house for sale bang opposite us. Unfortunately “Sunnyside” only lives up to its promise on our side of the road. The other side gets no sun at all and backs on to a cemetery. That probably explains why the people who live on that side of the road look so fucking miserable all the time. And we don’t want to turn into one of those people.

We definitely want to stay in Chesham though. It’s a lovely little town with lovely little shops for lovely local people. Its even got a little butchers where you can buy nice sausages made on the premises. As Alan is not too keen on meat being in the house I usually have to wolf a few down before I get home. If they are that delicious raw, I can only imagine how good they would taste were they to be cooked.

We actually found a few houses which would suit us down to the ground. “Bra” House remained a favourite up until the last minute. Nice open plan with a great garden and two bathrooms – one of them en suite. We called it “Bra House” because when we went to visit it there was a dirty bitch of a tenant in it and, apart from the half pint glasses of curdled Baileys lying around and half eaten pizza everywhere, she had kindly left a massive black bra on the floor by the doorway. So we called it “Bra House” and its kinda stuck. In fact the selling agents are also calling it Bra House as well. If we were to buy it I can easily imagine sticking a plaque on the front door informing Chesham passers by that this was “Brar House”. A kind of in joke. However since it is unlikely we’ll be buying that, it looks like it will be up to the future tenants to decide whether they think naming their house after a pair of knocker holders is appropriate for them. Or we could just sneak a plaque on the front door now and they would be none the wiser.

The winning house turned out to be just down the road from us. Nice and roomy with a big garden and potential for some internal renovations. It was on the market at offers over £190k. So we offered £190k which we thought was reasonable in the circumstances. It was turned down and the agent said they were looking for an extra three. We called their bluff and they agreed to take our original offer. So there we are, solicitors arranged, cheques signed and valuation booked when we get another phone call from their agent saying they had done some more sums and they really did need an extra £3k. As you can imagine we were not best pleased as we had already started planning where we would put the Olympic sized swimming pool and camel hutch. Even though we can afford it we are now worried that if they are that tight for cash another problem could come along in the next six weeks and it could all fall through anyway. We’d end up possibly not finding something suitable and having to rent again. So we went a looky looking on Friday.

This turned out to be a very good decision. We have found a much better house for not too much more money. The garden is really really nice and it has a summer house and a huge pond and lots of room for growing fruit and veggies. We went back again yesterday with our friend Kate to have another look at it and we are going to put an offer in on Monday. So keep your fingers crossed for us.

UPDATE

Well its now Monday and am very pleased to announce that the offer has been accepted and we are chuffed to little mintballs. All we have to do now is pay for it, so to this end I want to formerly announce that I am offering my body for sexual services. No reasonable offer refused and I’m willing to do almost anything. My only condition is that activities have to take place with the lights off and I will not remove my hood until firmly ensconced in the darkened room of my choosing. This is not because I am at all bashful, but more to do with the fact that the pictures of me that I will be posting are not that recent. Well, actually they are not of me at all, but I have been told I do a wonderful vocal impression of that bloke from The Killers and I am hoping that singing a few bars of Spaceman whilst being beaten on the bottom with a copy of Whitakers Almanac will be enough to see me through. If not I am also working on a new feminine hygiene product which I am quietly confident will bring me riches beyond measure. It's tentatively called FreshFlaps, which I am sure you will agree has a nice ring to it.I will keep you posted on developments.